5 February 2012, 5:33 pm
I am 25 and I am stuck. I am literally stuck. I have a 6 year old child but no other major accomplishments. I still live at home and it took me 4 years to recieve me AA. I have credit card debt and student loans. I don't have any freinds, I don't have a boyfriend. I am my own worst enemy and I am tired of being me. I recently came up with a plan to relocate to the big apple with my child and mother and once there I planned to work as a teacher's aide and after a year continue my education. I have taken the steps to prepare for the move, I have the money and everything but I can't go yet because I am waiting to go before a judge to get permission to move out of state. I really don't want to go through court again. Why did I lay down and have unprotected sex that night? I wanted my daughter but I just wish that I could provide for her better. I wish I could have had the same child by a different man. I am so grateful for her, she is my other half but the way I chose to do things was so stupid. No one knows how I feel. I cry at least 4-6 times a month in my bathroom. I am alone. I really am alone. I have a 24 year old brother but he has his own world and seems to love it. Him and his girlfriend of a year and a half are moving out this month and he is very social and has lots of friends. I thought about doing this move for three years now and now that I am ready I keep thinking to myself, what's going to change? I went there and it still felt like Boston. What the hell am I doing? I am still going to be friendless and man-less. I did plan on getting a makeover and I figured it would be a fresh start for me but I am not sure. I could have been dating someone but I never gave him a chance because I was too judgemental, I thought he was a player and so I told him I was taken when he asked me. This happened in 2011 and I spent the whole of 2011 obsessing over him, what an idiot I know but that is just who I am. I have not dated or had any relations since 2006. If it wasn't for answers I'd go crazy from not having someone to talk to. I live in a town in Massachusetts just north of Boston and I hate it here. I really do. There isn't any oppurtunity, the people can be nice but underneath everything it's racist. You have to be white or Latino to really fit in. My daughter's school is about 90% Hispanic. I am Black and that's why I figured the Big Apple would be better for me because of the diversity. I've been researching for three years straight and I found affordable areas and a good school. What am I doing? I feel like I am going in circles. I figured I could do some commerical modeling but now I feel like my life is over and that I need to put all my dreams to the side, all of them and focus on my daughter even if it means staying in Massachusetts. I have just $2,000 to my name and I don't know what to do. I love sleeping because I don't have to think about anything. I have been offered a job, it doesn't come with benefits and it only pays $12 an hour. I have looked online and have found places hiring for the position that I am looking for but honestly, it is work with special needs kids and I don't think I want to work with special needs. I work with children now but not special needs children. I just don't think that I can handle it.... Read More »
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